3 years after India
Here I am, 3 years after studying in India to go deeper into: who am I, what is society, what is nature, who is God?
I remember one day, having a very anxious night, feeling scared and sick, alone in my room, in a country far away from home, without my mom or my siblings to tell me ‘It’s ok’. I woke up crying, I felt so disappointed about myself “Why am I so weak?”
I’ve never realized that being weak was my main desperation. I allowed my mind and my whole body to repeat memories where I felt like ‘not enough’: not strong enough, wise enough, clever enough, sporty enough, pretty enough… I understood that I have always tried to be someone wiser, stronger, prettier, funnier. Comparing myself with my siblings, my partners at school, my friends or someone on social media.
I came to the classroom for the sharing session feeling I wasn't ready to talk in front of my mates. I had prepared a list of things I could share but instead I decided to be raw and just say that painful realization.
Crying like a little child, expressing what I never allowed myself to do in front of anyone because of the fear of being rejected, for the first time I let myself be. When I finished I noticed no one was judging me.
So here I am, 3 years later after that Program in India, grateful for that. Because just by that I understood that when Im feeling numb, stressed and anxious it’s because I’m working so hard to be someone I am not.
How could I know ‘who am I?’ If I’m always dreaming of being someone else, trying to understand what I could do better. How could I know ‘who am I?’ If I’m scared of being myself because of the pain of rejected by my friends, my family, a partner or my religious community.
Why do we give others the power to tell us ‘Who we are’ or ‘Who we must be’? But we ask ‘How do I know if Im doing right if not people around me?’ But I learnt that the best compass is inner peace. What gives you real, constant peace?
I dont have to be more or less, just follow my journey, taking the steps that give me the most peace.
